This is an experiment right now.
I have set myself the challenge, of writing in a different register. Everything you have seen so far has been based on my attempts to present to you, to the world, a solid, together, air of professionalism. In doing so I have shown you my strengths, or at least what I perceive them to be, and to edit out the weaknesses.
But now this does not feel satisfying.
I feel how something vital – I mean that literally – something of the quality of life – is missing. I feel that deeply.
I feel almost a sense of dishonesty. Not a lying but an editing of the truth. A simplification of the complexity. It feels like a lot has happened since the last update.
My daughter has moved house.
I have restarted seeing clients — it’s not a flood, but there’s water…
And there has been some very deep, existential reflections going on.
One of the major things is that I have joined Underearners Anonymous.
I know I am not being very anonymous about this — apologies to anyone who has been in 12 step programmes and is saying “What?! – he is violating Tradition 12!” but actually it feels really relevant to say.
A big topic in UA is visibility — letting the world see you.
For me, I understand this on a few different levels: letting the world see that you are there and ready to shine, but also being visible and vulnerable in the struggles.
So sharing this with you feels connected…I am now at a point of feeling like it might be OK, to at least experiment with, to show some of my vulnerability and struggles.
Essentially, I have a side which is very hermitic. I can very easily hide myself away, I would be happy living on a mountain away from the world, in some ways. When I am in the world, I am not always someone who is easy to read. There is a lot going within and those close to me often will ask “What is going on inside Sebastian”I am used to this. So are a lot of people. The people who tend to stay around in my life are the people who get, to some extent, this is part of the deal – part of my nature and my temperament.
So my big learning — my big experiment — is to play with being more conscious about including others in my internal process. To deliberately remember that what is going on within me is not necessarily obvious to others.
And the other side of any 12 step programme – is to put your struggles in the hands of a higher power.
I have hidden away from the world a lot of things… including my spirituality…I have kept it as a private affair.In my family, any kind of religious feeling was basically a taboo. It was considered highly unacceptable. I have spent most of my life burying this and it is, frankly, exhausting to do so. Literally, it has depleted me so much.
Also, there is a sense that I get in my professional field, that there is a conflict – some camps believe that the Somatics should be a secular affair, and the spirituality, however deeply felt, shouldn’t be made publicly visible – and there are others who are more overtly open about this level of consciousness that often comes through somatic practice.
So now I am making a conscious choice to choose which camp I am in. I do not have energy for secrets any more…
That’s it for now… mostly…